She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
