I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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