hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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