The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
