I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
