Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
