Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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