why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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