saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
