FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
