I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
