How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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