oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
