How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
