we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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