i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
