thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
porn star boner night. come get it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
