There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
