The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
