Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
