I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we're making bets on your personal life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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