I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
