my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
