batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
