Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
