could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
