Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
