my phone needs a breathalizer
i drank out of a bidet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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