I haven't been this sober since birth.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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