I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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