i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
