Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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