you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
