I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
