You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
