Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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