seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
