my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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