I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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