I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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