I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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