I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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