Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need to calm my uterus...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize