Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
