I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
