my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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