Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
