I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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