I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
