God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
