Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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