dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
