Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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