Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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