By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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