i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize