I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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