the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
