i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
