If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
