You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
