someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
